Why do siblings fight? It’s not just ‘kids being kids’ it’s deeper than that.

Sibling fights are often brushed off with a casual “they’ll grow out of it,” or the classic “kids will be kids.” But if you’re constantly playing referee between your little ones, you already know, it runs deeper than that.

Beneath the bickering and slammed doors are emotional needs trying to be heard.

Sibling rivalry isn’t just about toys, screen time, or who got the bigger slice of cake. It’s about connection, fairness, identity, and feeling seen. And the good news? You can help shift the dynamic at home with small but intentional parenting changes.

Let’s break it down:

🔹 Fairness Doesn’t Always Mean Equality

When your child shouts, “It’s not fair!” what they’re really saying is “I don’t feel valued.”

Kids aren’t just counting snacks or minutes—they’re measuring how they stack up emotionally. Instead of offering blanket rules, explain decisions based on age and need:

“Your sister stays up later because she’s older. When you’re that age, you will too.”

This approach validates their feelings while maintaining boundaries.

🔹 Firstborns Carry Hidden Pressure

Oldest kids are often expected to “set the example,” help out, and act mature—without always getting the praise or freedom they deserve. Meanwhile, they see younger siblings getting more leniency or attention.

This can create quiet resentment and burnout.

💡 Try this:
Acknowledge their responsibility:

“I see how much you help—and I trust you with more freedom because of it.”

Make sure they feel seen, not just relied on.

🔹 They’re Competing for YOU

Sibling rivalry often stems from something simple: your attention feels limited.

When kids feel unseen, they fight to stand out even if it’s through conflict.

Make a habit of building small, one-on-one rituals. This could be bedtime chats, weekend walks, or lunch dates—anything that says, “You matter to me.”

Quality time says, “You don’t have to compete. I see you.”

🔹 Birth Order Shapes Family Roles

Each child unconsciously carves out a space in the family. The rule-follower, the peacemaker, the rebel, the clown.

It’s natural but it can box them in.

Your job? Parent the individual child in front of you not the role they’ve fallen into. Avoid comparisons like:

“Why can’t you be more like your brother?”

Instead, ask:

“What do you need right now?”

This helps them feel free to grow as themselves not in reaction to a sibling.

🔹 Visibility Builds Respect

Siblings often judge each other from the outside without fully seeing each other’s strengths or struggles. That’s where resentment brews.

Encourage them to step into each other’s worlds:

• Go to each other’s games

• Watch performances

• Celebrate small wins together

This simple visibility builds empathy and empathy builds respect.

💬 Let’s Talk: What’s Your Take?

Which of these insights hit home for you? Do you notice your child playing a specific “role” in the family? How do you handle sibling clashes?

👇 Drop your thoughts in the comments because you’re not alone in this!

Dr. Deepa Aggarwal
Senior Consultant Paediatrician
Follow @drdeepa.shishucare for more real, relatable parenting insights 💜